what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
