He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
