tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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