I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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