We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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