Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
