We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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