Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
