So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize