OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it glows. i had to have it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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