Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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