i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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