i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just found puke in my bra..
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
