highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
