you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
