Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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