The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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