I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize