You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
