If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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