How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
