My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
