Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
