Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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