Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
