the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
