Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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