weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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