Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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