I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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