i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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