ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
