I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
