i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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