an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
