He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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