i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
