the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
