i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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