I want to have your abortion
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
