i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
