Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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