im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
why is half of my head shaved?
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