hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
