i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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