Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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