im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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