sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
