Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
