Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize