Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
