Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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