His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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