girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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