moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
