Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
