So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
